The day my heart deployed

The day started like usual, and Adam was up and ready to go before me. Anderson arrived early to pick him up and take him to the Kennels to pack the rest of his stuff and load Nero up in the truck. About the time he was doing that I was getting the kids dressed, fed and packing the diaper bag for a 2 hour round trip. Around 720 am I loaded the kids into the truck to drive to the kennels and meet my husband at work the last time for a year. The drive seemed so much faster than it usually did, there seemed to be no one on the road but me. Once I got to the kennels I pulled in the back and was astonished to see several people there to bid him a farewell. Of course Adam was ready to go once I got there and when I arrived the "goodbyes" started. Watching him shake hands, and exchange words with all his fellow handlers made time slow down. Hearing "be safe" and "keep your head down" made things feel entirely to real. It is finally hitting me that I am an hour away from watching my husband board a plane to fight in a war I know nothing about. After all the farewells we took a picture and left. Adam drove our truck the hour drive to Austin, TX, I think he wanted to feel normal instead of sitting in the passenger seat able to think about what was really going on. I sat there in the seat next to him staring at him and holding on for dear life to his hand. I remember feeling ever single line in his knuckles and the callused spots on his palms, trying so hard to soak in the feeling of his hand in mine. We laughed at silly stories, sat in silence, cried, and talked about the dreaded "what ifs" of deployment. The drive was so very long, and in a way I wish the airport was just down the road so that the horrible anticipation of this heart wrenching feeling would be fast, instead of dragging out like it was. At one point during the drive I looked at him and wondered what my life would be like if something did happen to him, the thoughts crushed me. During this whole day I don't think I ever had a dry eye. I told myself over and over again to keep it together if not for Adam and myself, but for the boys. Children feel stress and the last thing I want to do during this monumental day was to be a complete mess in front of them. Once we got to the airport I dropped Adam off at the front entrance so that he could help unload the other truck full of his luggage and Nero. I flew through the parking garage like a bat out of hell trying to find a parking spot big enough to fit my truck. Once I finally did I grabbed the kids as fast as I could and ran to the departure counters. I remember seeing Adam standing there in his new uniform, holding Nero, with his green duffel bags and tough boxes all around him. Of course the airline gave him a hard time with the dog kennel, Nero, his guns, and whatever else they could jack him around about. I was secretly hoping that they were going to give him a hard enough time and tell him he was unable to fly. Being able to take him home and spend a few more days with him would have been amazing, but now thinking about it, that probably would have been harder because we would have just been putting off the inevitable. The airline attendant finally took all his bags with a few tweaking on Adams part and we were issued our tickets. Me, Mason and Gavyn were issued special airline tickets just to get us back to the gate with him. His gate of course was one of the first ones right after the security check. Once we got to his gate time seemed to speed up and before my heart was ready I was saying "goodbye". I watched the man of my dreams drop down on his knees, lay all his luggage down, holding Nero with his left hand, he took my two year old Mason, into his arms and he said "see you later buddy. I love you". As he stood from saying goodbye to Mason he came over to me where I was standing holding our then 8 month old Gavyn. I looked into his tear filled eyes and saw how unbelievable hard it was to say goodbye to his boys. He kissed Gavyn on the head and told him he loved him and would be back soon. Then it came to me. It became my turn to tell my husband goodbye for a year. It was my turn to feel the pain and loneliness again. Here it is, another deployment, another agonizing "see you later". By the time it was my turn the flight attendant was telling Adam to board and a crowd had gathered to board the plane. We were the center of attention, attention we didn't want on us in our vulnerable stage. He looked at me and told me he loved me. His voice was shakey and I could tell he was hurting but he pulled himself together and gave me a swift and soft, passionate kiss then a quick "bye". He turned and walked away. He walked away from his two young boys and wife, he walked away from his whole life. He walked away willingly because he knows there is a job that needs to be done and he has the capabilities to do the it. As he walked away I could feel my chest tighten and my eyes were hot with the tears that were building up ready to explode out of my eye sockets. I waited to watch him walk out of my sight, I watched my heart walk down the ramp to the airplane that would take him to a year long deployment. After he left I made my way through the crowd, although I had massive tears running down my face and my two year old was screaming because Daddy left, I walked through the terminal with my head held high filled with an overwhelming amount of sadness and pride within myself. After what seemed like the longest walk of my life I put the kids in the car, turned the music on and stood outside crying until my whole body shook. I took my moment and than it was back to the truck to take the rest of my family home. The car ride back was lonely and I felt like I was missing a huge portion of my life. I left someone behind and it didn't feel right. I left my heart at the airport that day...